U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
