I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
