Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
ttyl tear gas
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
