they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
