i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
