I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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