im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
