omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
