On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
