I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
you had me at cake vodka
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Randomize
