ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
