yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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