or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
They took my balls.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize