why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
