Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
