I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
