We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
