is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
