I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
