Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize