we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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