We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
