I accidentally burped into my bong.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
