My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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