he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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