Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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