I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
