i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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