You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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