the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
