Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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