my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
