Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
