I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
