Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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