I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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