I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
