So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
