i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
