i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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