mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
