what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
