dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
