Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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