If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
