You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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