she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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