I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
a search helicopter?!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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