I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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