I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
