I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
