You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
