I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
