Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
