My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
