Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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