I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
