found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
