we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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