I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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