Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
