fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
