Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
