Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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