I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
