Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
