And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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