i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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