Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
